Our Gospel According to Mark

1. It is what it is. But you know that.

2. Rip it all down. But that’s just me.

3. Get all this out of here. All the insulation. Don’t keep any of it. Saving pennies is not worth a sick house later.

4. We need to see everything, find out where the problems are. There’s a seam. What is that? We don’t know. We have to see it.

5. We need to see the attic framing. Roof loads are an engineering matter. This has all been figured out. Until I can see it, I don’t know whether this was just some guy who saw a diagram and kinda made it like that, but missed all the nuance.

6. Take down the vinyl siding. Pull it all down. It’s a snap, literally. Here’s — this is a gutter bracket. It unsnaps just like this, da da da. Keep it though. We can reuse it. You need staging. I’ll bring my jacks. A pole here, a pole over there, a plank between them — you go up, you go down. You’re not afraid of heights, right?

7. We’ll take care of all those fasciae. I’ll bring my brake, you know, for bending the anodized trim, show you how to use it. Easy.

8. You’re putting a wall where this beam is? No need for a special beam — the wall will support.

9. Over here, not so sure. We’ll figure it out.

10. Make the porch an inside room. Have you thought of what you’re doing with those windows? You can eliminate a few. Just keep a couple. Cheaper, less heat loss. Let’s look at the supports underneath.

11. Do you have a shovel? Oh yeah. Look at that. Is any of us surprised?

12. We’ll jack this up. Support it with a temporary wall. Pour concrete footers. Then cut the supports and fit them. If the porch starts to creak and pop… we’ll go slow.

13. That piece of roof hanging out? I have a cutter, zip that right off.

14. These stairs, they’re not bad, you could keep them instead of the inside stairs. But they need a better support. What was he thinking? This guy, he must have had a case of beer a day when building this place. We’ll set concrete piers below, put up straight supports, 6-by-6, 8-by-8…

15. Let’s look at the basement. Nice furnace. I appreciate professional work. This beam — moisture is your enemy, everywhere. Sorry, this has to be redone. Are you freaking out yet? It is what it is.

16. If you can’t get that wood stove out of there, tell you what. Before we the pour the concrete floor, we’ll dig a hole, bury it. Haha.

17. Have you looked at the water heater? Did you take off this blanket? (SCRRRRRIIIPPP!) Oh yeah. This is… I wouldn’t. This is gone. Get it out of here.

18. You’re very brave.

19. Get all the insulation out of here. Here’s a tip: spread out a tarp — have you got a tarp? — pull it all down into the tarp, drag it out to the dumpster.

20. And the afternoon and the evening were more of the same, times ten. And the lumberyard owners rejoiced.